Toddler Will Only Let Mom Do Bedtime: What’s Happening and How to Fix It
It’s 7:45 PM, you’re exhausted, and you just want your partner to handle bedtime tonight. You tell your 3-year-old that Daddy will be doing bedtime, and they lose their mind. They’re screaming, running away from Daddy, kicking their feet. Sound familiar? As frustrating as this situation is, it is so common, and there’s actually a reason it’s happening.
Why Parental Preference Happens at Bedtime Specifically
By bedtime, your little one is exhausted. You’re exhausted. And you’re just trying to make it to the finish line. And parental preference can make it that much harder. Bedtime can be a time of high emotions for everyone involved. For your toddler, bedtime is hard because there are so many directions they have to follow, they have to do things that aren’t so fun (like brushing teeth and getting PJs on), and they know what’s coming…separation from you. For you as the parent, maybe you’re at your max for the day. You’ve had a long day at work or a long day with your toddler. Your patience is wearing thin.
This high-emotion, high-attachment moment is the exact reason they want you, their person, their comfort, their anchor. And if your little one is used to only a certain parent doing bedtime, they associate that parent with the bedtime routine, and toddlers thrive off of consistency, even the consistency of who puts them to bed each night. And on top of all of that, if bedtime is already running too late, overtiredness can amplify all of those big feelings, making parental preference even harder to navigate. But don’t worry, there’s hope! This can be fixed; you just need to do it in a thoughtful, toddler-oriented way.
How to Fix It
The very first thing you need to do before making any changes is talk to your child about the changes! You do not want to blindside your child with this change, or it will backfire on you. Start by saying something like, “Right now, Mommy puts you to bed every night. We are going to start doing something a little differently. Mommy and Daddy are going to take turns putting you to bed. We will start small with Daddy helping in small ways, and then eventually he will put you to bed completely.” Validate any feelings they have about this change.
Then start small with the changes. Maybe Dad does bath, but Mom does everything else. Or maybe Dad reads the book, but your toddler is still sitting with Mom. Slowly, over time, hand over more and more of the bedtime routine to your partner. On the first night of your partner doing the complete bedtime routine, be sure to tell your little one during the day that today is the day. You can make a visual “Who’s Doing Bedtime Tonight?” chart with your picture and your partner's picture on the days each of you will be doing bedtime. And if you ever have a sitter or family member do bedtime, they can also be added to the chart. Pro tip: pair this “Who’s Doing Bedtime Tonight?” chart with a bedtime routine chart your toddler can check off each night to add excitement and ownership to the whole routine.
Even with all of the prep, your little one still might not accept the changes, and that’s okay. You’re going to hold the boundary, even if they’re upset. You can say, “I know you’re sad that Daddy is doing bedtime tonight. Mommy will do it tomorrow night. Goodnight, I can’t wait to play with you in the morning!” And then try to step back and let it happen!
Still Struggling with Bedtime Battles?
Making changes to the bedtime routine can be harder than it sounds, especially when your toddler has strong feelings about it. Sometimes even the most thoughtful, gradual approach can bring up bigger bedtime struggles that were already brewing under the surface. If you find yourself in that place, that's exactly what I'm here for.
As a sleep consultant who specializes in toddler sleep, I don't just hand you a sleep plan and send you on your way. Every toddler sleep package comes with a custom Ready, Set, Sleep Prep Plan™ because I believe toddlers do best when they're prepared for changes before they happen, not surprised by them. I work with you to prepare your little one mentally and emotionally for the sleep changes to come, so that when it's time to actually make those changes, they know exactly what to expect and feel like a part of the process. If bedtime feels like a battle every night and you're ready for that to change, let's chat. Book your free 15-minute discovery call here.
